Egg Retrieval and More Waiting

First, an update in pictures. Doctor’s appointments, medications, egg retrieval, and #hopetogether:

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Over the last four years, Trent and I have experienced a lot of waiting. Waiting in between HCG Beta checks (did it double?); waiting for the next ultrasound (will we see a heartbeat?); and the dreaded two week wait every month. Sometimes it feels like while we wait, other’s lives pass us by. Friends who were pregnant when we got our first positive test are now parents of toddlers. (Heck! Friends who got pregnant after our fourth or fifth pregnancy are parents of toddlers.) Or are parents of more than one child. People who weren’t married when we had our first miscarriage now are married with children. Some days all of this waiting and being resilient and strong and brave and whatever else I am is just too much, and I’m sad.

The last few months have been difficult in the waiting. There is still grief. There are still hard days. But, there are less sad days and more hope.

People ask a lot if I am excited. “Excited” isn’t quite the feeling I have. Cautiously hopeful is more like it. IVF is not a guarantee and this heart has had so much heartbreak. Gleefully running towards IVF with excitement makes me feel nauseous. I’m not sure if managing my expectations will make things easier if they don’t turn out as I hope (I doubt it), but it’s the only way I know to approach IVF.

So now! The update. I’ve put it off some, I’m not totally sure why, just that being honest and open and public sometimes feels like a mountain I’m not ready to climb on a given day. But it feels like I’ve put it off too long and that I should share you, our glorious supporters. So here it goes.

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As we shared in our last update, we had an appointment on January 15 where we signed scary sounding documents (like what to do with any potential embryos if Trent and I died or something. Eek!). I’m the nightmare person to have before you for signing documents. I will read them. I will ask question. The person having me sign will not know the answers. I will annoy everyone in the room. January 15 was no different, but we signed all of the documents, don’t worry.

This appointment was to get us started towards our egg retrieval. The plan was to retrieve eggs, create embryos, get the embryos tested, and then schedule a transfer 6-8 weeks after the retrieval.

On January 15, Trent and I also received a lesson in the first set of shots. For about 10 days towards the end of January, I had to give myself between two and three shots every morning in my belly. I was terrified the first morning. But the more I did it, the more it didn’t seem like a big deal. During that lesson, though, I wanted to call every single women I knew who went through IVF and tell them that they were an amazing superhero.

There were lots of little hurdles to get through: An argument with my nurse over which prenatal vitamin I would be taking, leaving me in tears; our debit card being declined when we went to pay for IVF because the account we have doesn’t let us spend that much in one day (of our own money!); calling six plus pharmacies to make sure we were getting the best price on my medications (only to find out that the one with the “best” price misquoted me, and that I had to make some more calls); sealing up my sharps container on accident on the first day, etc., etc.

Leading up to the retrieval, we would have appointments to monitor how many follicles were growing. **If you need more info on IVF or on human reproduction in general, google can help! https://www.fertilityiq.com/ivf-in-vitro-fertilization/lesson-plan is a great resource - I know you don’t all know what a follicle is!** We never had as many as I hoped. I heard stories of women with 20+ follicles, and I had less than ten in the beginning. My doctor repeated the refrain “quality over quantity” throughout the appointments, but I still felt frustrated. Each time I went in for a monitoring appointment, they would also check my hormone levels.

On February 2, we had the retrieval. They put me under and collected 10 eggs! I was pleasantly surprised and so happy leaving the doctor that day. I was sore. It hurt to walk. But I had 10 chances at future children, and I was feeling good. The next morning, we learned that only 4 of the eggs were mature and of those 4, 3 fertilized. I was unreasonably sad. I could not see hope. I could not stop crying. Meanwhile, I was very sore and uncomfortable. Trent, my mom, my sister, and my niece Natalie all sat with me and made sure Owen didn’t jump on me (he did once, OUCH!) and that I had plenty of salty foods and gatorade (doctor’s orders!).

I went back to work while we waited to find out if the 3 fertilized eggs made it to the appropriate stage. Trent and I also were faced with whether we wanted to do testing. I had thought that we would have had 5 or 6 embryos, but now that we could only have 3 at the most, did it make sense to spend all of the money on testing? We watched videos and settled on yes. (https://www.fertilityiq.com/pgs-embryo-genetic-screening).

Then on Thursday of that week, we learned that 2 embryos made it. They would be biopsied for testing and frozen for a possible transfer at a later day. We had to wait one more day for number 3. On Friday, we learned that number 3 did not make it. Next we had to wait 7-10 business days for the testing results.

We waited and learned that one embryo was “chaotic” abnormal, meaning that it has more than 5 abnormalities and cannot be a baby. And! We learned that we had one beautiful, healthy, normal embryo. My doctor’s office called to schedule our transfer. In APRIL. More than the promised 6-8 weeks they told us. More waiting.

Because so much time passed, we had to redo one test to make sure everything would be clear for the transfer. The doctor decided that because of the way I responded to that procedure, that I would have to be put under for the transfer.

We recently got the medications for the transfer and will receive a lesson on these new shots.

We have repeatedly been amazed and encouraged by you. We owe some of you thank you cards! We are amazed by how many people bought shirts and contributed. Funds came in just as they were needed. Friends at church recently handed us check for almost the exact amount of our transfer medication! Thank you all for the way you’ve balance thoughtfulness and privacy.

I am cautiously hopeful and also terrified. What if this doesn’t work? I’ve been pregnant before. It’s not the positive pregnancy test that will relieve my fear. It’s seeing a heartbeat in the right place. It’s healthy scans. It’s 40 weeks. It’s holding a precious baby in my arms.

I don’t know what we’ll do if this does work out the way we hope. I’m afraid my heart can’t handle it. But I know it can. I know that we humans can get through a lot. With faith and each other and hugs and walks along the lake and puppy snuggles. So, we keep moving forward.

I’m not sure when our next update will come, but it will come. Thanks again for being here with us.